Cherylane's trouble mind

Well, I told Duane, all about my being able to read his mails and stuff.
I just couldn't keep all this stuff in and for me any longer. This thing was eating me out. I feel much more relieve now.
I was a bit force to do so, because he set up the "last connected time" thingy, so he would have found out anyway... I just decided to come clean first....
He was choked of course, I told him I know about the mails and I know he's been lying about his exes...
I asked him why ? Why did he do that to me ? He said that he was an ego thing, he wanted to keep his influence towards them... and also because he felt I was getting away from him so he wanted to have somebody in case I decided to leave him...
What kind of fallacy is that ? Come on !!!
I felt like a fool, I was like, all this lies, for that ? Do I really want this kind of man in my life ? Not really and yet I can't let him go...
I think I'm more afraid of the lonelyness than breaking up with him. I think that if God would let someone else in my life, soon, I wouldn't mind about letting him go...
I'm thinking of me fighting to keep this relationship running, and him making plans for the after me...
He said that he loves me, but I don't trust him...
If you love somebody, you can not plan behind her back, you cannot, mispoke of her to your friends, can you ? Or am I being idealistic...
If he really want me and marry me, coz he keeps on saying that, he has to show that he loves me.
I'm still waiting sign of love and care from him... I know that he can, I saw the mails that he sent to his exes, he can find the word if he really want to... but I don't think he feels this way for me otherwise I would have sensed it.
All my body, my mind tell me that he doesn't love me, but my heart is still hopefull...

Went back home yesterday feeling very anxious about what was coming....
What is he going to say ?
He cooked diner and we ate, acting as if that day was a regular day !
We watched a movie. The holiday with Jude Law and Cameron Diaz. That was such a nice
and romantic movie.
Then Duane surprised me by going to bed, it must have been 11pm, he never goes to bed
before 1am... I thought that doesn't sound nice !!!
I waited and waited and then I went o bed as well, he was there lying in the bed... I was
pleasantly surprise because we've been sleeping in separate room for few days now...
We talked, he ask me to switch off the light, I was not happy with that, because I wanted to see him lying to me again. So I turn up the lignt a little.
He told me that he's really sad with me, all those constants arguments, me not being able to
trust him, me always wanted to give up on our relationship whenever something happen, me
not fighting for us. He told me that he really pissed him off to talk about the mail story over and
over again. I reminded him that trust takes a long time to build up and that story happened 3
months ago, so it's a bit difficult to just draw a line on it. He blame me for not believing on the
relationship, putting our plan about the wedding aside, getting rid of all our project 2gether...
I was a bit flaggerbastered...
I told him that what I want is to be with him, but I cannot do that if the relationship is doomed
with lies. If he's not honest with me, he will never work between us, things will always get
between us... At that point I wanted to tell him about the mails, so that he understood the
reason why I was acted this way. If he only knew that I know he would understand what I'm
talking about, but he does know and I cannot tell him.
He told me also, that he had the feeling that I was using him to have a baby and then I will
leave him. I laughed, I thought is it that obvious ? Or does he too read my mails....
I told him that this was my plan indeed, but I've never been able to achieve it because I can't
keep my mouth shout, because I'm still hopeful that things get better between us...
He told me also that reading his mail it's a violation of property... I really wonder if he
knows... To that i said I only read the one that concerned me... I don't know wether is talking
about the mail that I currently read or the one I read when this whole story came up in May....
We decided to try again because we love each other, he told me that he still wanna marry me
next year, his plans toward haven't changed... so I decided to give it a try... I'm really gonna try
to be nice and sweet. I told him that I wanna retrieve my nice, tender and thoughtfull Duane,
this is the one that I love and I wanna see him again...
That whole experience, all those pains and hurts will be a liner silver if only I don't come
across no more mails which could break my heart again...
Right now, I'm happy again and hopeful for a better future

Duane sent me a mail to ask me for lunch. The email was rather cold but I appreciated his first move. We hardly talked since sunday.
I met him for lunch and he tried to kiss me on the lips... I was quite reluctant to do so since I find it so hard to pretend that everything is ok... However, I did and we went to lunch.
We talked again and he blamed me for not trusting him... I told him that I'd love to see how he would react if he were in my shoe. To that he answer that he would give me the benefice of the doubt... Yeah right ! I said to him that since I do not do to him the fourth of what he makes me bear, if easy to make that kind of statement. I told him, I can act like he does if he wanna, and  if this is the kind of relationship he wanna have, I can give it a try but I'm not sure he'll enjoy it. To that he said that he's time for him to find another flat...... See I thouth, he knows damn well he could not tolerate this....
However this is not what I wanted to hear, I was hurt and vexed, I told him, if this is what he wants.... He said no, this is what you want... I said to him, is not me who just said so but you and to that I gave him his ring back ...
I couldn't believe, what was happening, I was mortified, and wanted to cry ! I couldn't since my colleagues were few tables away...
I tried a last straw, and said, well Duane I don't know if you meant what you said but if you want me to wear the ring, you'll have to say something that will make me wanna wear it !
He said he hasn't got imagination as fertile as mine !?!
What one's can thing of that ? That should come to him naturally, all he have to say, pls forgive me, you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with !!! How hard is it to come up with something like that, huh ?
When I came back from work, I thought this can't be over !!! I've got to find a way of making him want me in his life, so I soften up a little.
Before going to bed alone, I gave him a goodnight kiss on the lips.
He came later on to massage my back which was hurting me like crazy ! I thought that was nice of him and I wished he would stay in bed with me, but he left....
I wanted to join him in the other room, but thought what's the point ? let him have some room to think....
I'll see tomorrow if it is really the end 

Since Monday, Duane and I have been sleeping apart.
Monday Morning I woke up, I was upset with him, upset with his constant lies.
Although he's still on holiday, he woke up as well and wanted to keep company during the breakfast ritual. I did not say a word to him, I don't have much to say right now, I'm just waiting for him to come clean...
So I left the house and wish him a good day, he told me can't he have a goodbye kiss ? I said to him, I don't have the energy to pretend that everything is ok, all I want is you plucking up the courage to tell me what is going on when I come back home tonight... What I told you last time is true, the reason why I didn't tell u is to make you a surprise and you'll see tonight when you get home... I shook my head in disbelief and left...
You know when I hear Duane telling me his nonsenses I wonder, if the guy is a mythoman or else he's playing macho with his female friends on the mail....
When I came back from work, I had a nice surprise. He redecorated the house, bought nice and trendy curtains, put the paintings on the walls and stuff. It was really pretty, there was a note saying that I should enjoy this gift because it would probably be the last one , don't really like the sound of that....
When he came back, he cooked dinner, I thank him for the dinner and the decoration.
We ate in silence...
After diner he went to his computer, so I called him. It was more than time to have a proper discussion.
He told me again that the reason why he didn't tell me about the holiday was to surprise me with this, and more was to come.... I reminded him that the fact that I would know he was on holiday would have not ruined his surprise... He said that he doesn't really know why he did that... I then asked him why he would do things that would put my trust in danger, he cried out that I never trusted him and left the room ... That guy would not cease to amaze me...
I had shower and went to bed crying... I'm fed up with that guy !!! He's such a looser, he is unable to face difficult situation, he keeps running away, it impossible to have a conversation with him, he flees all the time... Why do I have to be with a guy like that !!!
Should I all give it up and start all over again ? I'm scare of that... How long will I be alone, and what about my plans of having a baby ? Shall I throw them away too ?
I feel like I'm stuck !!!