It's been a while ....
Things have changed drastically since last september.
Duane and I broke up. For real !!! That was in October. I couldn't get over what he did to me, and he had trouble with coming to the term that I was spying on him. He used that funny idiom. Raping a prostitute is still a rape. Which in completely true.
In October he took me to Milan in a last attempt to make up. It failed because I was couldn't let go and he was still very upset and wouldn't make the effort of begging me to forgive him. This is what I was expecting of him. I felt that the only way I'd be able to forget all this, was for him to beg for forgiveness. He did say he was sorry, but this for me wasn't enough I needed more and he wouldn't give me what I wanted. So he said that since all I could do is talk about that, and how unworthy of me he was, he could see himself living in this atmosphere and that he could not live with somebody that wouldn't love him. So that was it, it was over.
At the beginning I didn't say anything, coz i thought that it was better this way, but then i thought that I don't want him to leave, because I do love him. I realise that this time if i didn't make the effort to start afresh and leave all this behind me, it will never work... So I did what I always do when I feel powerless, i start crying. Tears will run down my cheek for hours... My practical side took over and thought as well of the fact that I'll be by myself to face all the bills and I started crying even more... Then i thought I'll ask him to sleep in the other room and not leave straight away... I can be so naive sometimes... as if 2 people who just broke up can leave together as if nothing happen...
Ok got to go, will tell the rest later.