Cherylane's trouble mind

Cherylane's trouble mindhttp://cherylane.blog.co.uk/en-EUhourly82000-01-01T12:00+00:00Cherylane's trouble mindhttp://cherylane.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/a8/9710e23bb7f488ad6e40a3b96728a3_160x200.jpgA year laterhttp://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2009/07/18/a-year-later-6539255/2009-07-18T13:10:38+02:00 I'm married and have a lil girl now. She's beautiful and I love her to bit. I'm still with my husband but still very much unhappy with our life as a couple. Now that I have my lil girl, it's even more unbearable becoz I'm physically tired and therefore unable to cope with disagreement. On monday I'll be calling for counsellment booking. We don't share anything anymore, all he does is playing video game or surfing on the web. A typical day is , my husband come back fr work at 6.30 pm, he talks to me for about 3mn, go to his computer, eventually if I ask, he's going to give our little girl her bath and then he'll go back to his leisure for the entire night. What the point of staying 2gether ? He's no help at home, he's no help emotionnaly. He gives me headache... I'm always upset with him and anytime I look at him I'm pissed off... What's the point of all of it really ? I'm beginning to think that we shouldn't have gotten married and that maybe all the unhappinness of last year was for me to realise that that guy was not for me... I wanted that wedding so bad that I got blinded. Trust that the counsellor is going to help out and of this is onoly negative thinking due to tiredness... We'll see tonight how I feel ! <a href="http://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2009/07/18/a-year-later-6539255/#comments">Comments</a> I'm married and have a lil girl now.
She's beautiful and I love her to bit. I'm still with my husband but still very much unhappy with our life as a couple.
Now that I have my lil girl, it's even more unbearable becoz I'm physically tired and therefore unable to cope with disagreement.
On monday I'll be calling for counsellment booking.
We don't share anything anymore, all he does is playing video game or surfing on the web.
A typical day is , my husband come back fr work at 6.30 pm, he talks to me for about 3mn, go to his computer, eventually if I ask, he's going to give our little girl her bath and then he'll go back to his leisure for the entire night.
What the point of staying 2gether ? He's no help at home, he's no help emotionnaly. He gives me headache... I'm always upset with him and anytime I look at him I'm pissed off... What's the point of all of it really ?
I'm beginning to think that we shouldn't have gotten married and that maybe all the unhappinness of last year was for me to realise that that guy was not for me... I wanted that wedding so bad that I got blinded.
Trust that the counsellor is going to help out and of this is onoly negative thinking due to tiredness...
We'll see tonight how I feel !

Comments

]]>6 months afterhttp://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2008/04/21/6-months-after-4073205/2008-04-21T11:29:35+02:00 It's been a while .... Things have changed drastically since last september. Duane and I broke up. For real !!! That was in October. I couldn't get over what he did to me, and he had trouble with coming to the term that I was spying on him. He used that funny idiom. Raping a prostitute is still a rape. Which in completely true. In October he took me to Milan in a last attempt to make up. It failed because I was couldn't let go and he was still very upset and wouldn't make the effort of begging me to forgive him. This is what I was expecting of him. I felt that the only way I'd be able to forget all this, was for him to beg for forgiveness. He did say he was sorry, but this for me wasn't enough I needed more and he wouldn't give me what I wanted. So he said that since all I could do is talk about that, and how unworthy of me he was, he could see himself living in this atmosphere and that he could not live with somebody that wouldn't love him. So that was it, it was over. At the beginning I didn't say anything, coz i thought that it was better this way, but then i thought that I don't want him to leave, because I do love him. I realise that this time if i didn't make the effort to start afresh and leave all this behind me, it will never work... So I did what I always do when I feel powerless, i start crying. Tears will run down my cheek for hours... My practical side took over and thought as well of the fact that I'll be by myself to face all the bills and I started crying even more... Then i thought I'll ask him to sleep in the other room and not leave straight away... I can be so naive sometimes... as if 2 people who just broke up can leave together as if nothing happen... Ok got to go, will tell the rest later. <a href="http://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2008/04/21/6-months-after-4073205/#comments">Comments</a> It's been a while ....
Things have changed drastically since last september.
Duane and I broke up. For real !!! That was in October. I couldn't get over what he did to me, and he had trouble with coming to the term that I was spying on him. He used that funny idiom. Raping a prostitute is still a rape. Which in completely true.
In October he took me to Milan in a last attempt to make up. It failed because I was couldn't let go and he was still very upset and wouldn't make the effort of begging me to forgive him. This is what I was expecting of him. I felt that the only way I'd be able to forget all this, was for him to beg for forgiveness. He did say he was sorry, but this for me wasn't enough I needed more and he wouldn't give me what I wanted. So he said that since all I could do is talk about that, and how unworthy of me he was, he could see himself living in this atmosphere and that he could not live with somebody that wouldn't love him. So that was it, it was over.
At the beginning I didn't say anything, coz i thought that it was better this way, but then i thought that I don't want him to leave, because I do love him. I realise that this time if i didn't make the effort to start afresh and leave all this behind me, it will never work... So I did what I always do when I feel powerless, i start crying. Tears will run down my cheek for hours... My practical side took over and thought as well of the fact that I'll be by myself to face all the bills and I started crying even more... Then i thought I'll ask him to sleep in the other room and not leave straight away... I can be so naive sometimes... as if 2 people who just broke up can leave together as if nothing happen...
Ok got to go, will tell the rest later.

Comments

]]>I don't knowhttp://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/08/13/i_don_t_know~2799826/2007-08-13T10:58:37+02:00 Well, I told Duane, all about my being able to read his mails and stuff. I just couldn't keep all this stuff in and for me any longer. This thing was eating me out. I feel much more relieve now. I was a bit force to do so, because he set up the "last connected time" thingy, so he would have found out anyway... I just decided to come clean first.... He was choked of course, I told him I know about the mails and I know he's been lying about his exes... I asked him why ? Why did he do that to me ? He said that he was an ego thing, he wanted to keep his influence towards them... and also because he felt I was getting away from him so he wanted to have somebody in case I decided to leave him... What kind of fallacy is that ? Come on !!! I felt like a fool, I was like, all this lies, for that ? Do I really want this kind of man in my life ? Not really and yet I can't let him go... I think I'm more afraid of the lonelyness than breaking up with him. I think that if God would let someone else in my life, soon, I wouldn't mind about letting him go... I'm thinking of me fighting to keep this relationship running, and him making plans for the after me... He said that he loves me, but I don't trust him... If you love somebody, you can not plan behind her back, you cannot, mispoke of her to your friends, can you ? Or am I being idealistic... If he really want me and marry me, coz he keeps on saying that, he has to show that he loves me. I'm still waiting sign of love and care from him... I know that he can, I saw the mails that he sent to his exes, he can find the word if he really want to... but I don't think he feels this way for me otherwise I would have sensed it. All my body, my mind tell me that he doesn't love me, but my heart is still hopefull... <a href="http://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/08/13/i_don_t_know~2799826/#comments">Comments</a> Well, I told Duane, all about my being able to read his mails and stuff.
I just couldn't keep all this stuff in and for me any longer. This thing was eating me out. I feel much more relieve now.
I was a bit force to do so, because he set up the "last connected time" thingy, so he would have found out anyway... I just decided to come clean first....
He was choked of course, I told him I know about the mails and I know he's been lying about his exes...
I asked him why ? Why did he do that to me ? He said that he was an ego thing, he wanted to keep his influence towards them... and also because he felt I was getting away from him so he wanted to have somebody in case I decided to leave him...
What kind of fallacy is that ? Come on !!!
I felt like a fool, I was like, all this lies, for that ? Do I really want this kind of man in my life ? Not really and yet I can't let him go...
I think I'm more afraid of the lonelyness than breaking up with him. I think that if God would let someone else in my life, soon, I wouldn't mind about letting him go...
I'm thinking of me fighting to keep this relationship running, and him making plans for the after me...
He said that he loves me, but I don't trust him...
If you love somebody, you can not plan behind her back, you cannot, mispoke of her to your friends, can you ? Or am I being idealistic...
If he really want me and marry me, coz he keeps on saying that, he has to show that he loves me.
I'm still waiting sign of love and care from him... I know that he can, I saw the mails that he sent to his exes, he can find the word if he really want to... but I don't think he feels this way for me otherwise I would have sensed it.
All my body, my mind tell me that he doesn't love me, but my heart is still hopefull...

Comments

]]>Let's try againhttp://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/08/03/let_s_try_again~2749089/2007-08-03T13:07:40+02:00 Went back home yesterday feeling very anxious about what was coming.... What is he going to say ? He cooked diner and we ate, acting as if that day was a regular day ! We watched a movie. The holiday with Jude Law and Cameron Diaz. That was such a nice and romantic movie. Then Duane surprised me by going to bed, it must have been 11pm, he never goes to bed before 1am... I thought that doesn't sound nice !!! I waited and waited and then I went o bed as well, he was there lying in the bed... I was pleasantly surprise because we've been sleeping in separate room for few days now... We talked, he ask me to switch off the light, I was not happy with that, because I wanted to see him lying to me again. So I turn up the lignt a little. He told me that he's really sad with me, all those constants arguments, me not being able to trust him, me always wanted to give up on our relationship whenever something happen, me not fighting for us. He told me that he really pissed him off to talk about the mail story over and over again. I reminded him that trust takes a long time to build up and that story happened 3 months ago, so it's a bit difficult to just draw a line on it. He blame me for not believing on the relationship, putting our plan about the wedding aside, getting rid of all our project 2gether... I was a bit flaggerbastered... I told him that what I want is to be with him, but I cannot do that if the relationship is doomed with lies. If he's not honest with me, he will never work between us, things will always get between us... At that point I wanted to tell him about the mails, so that he understood the reason why I was acted this way. If he only knew that I know he would understand what I'm talking about, but he does know and I cannot tell him.<img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/smileys77.gif" border="0" alt="" width="15" height="15"> He told me also, that he had the feeling that I was using him to have a baby and then I will leave him. I laughed, I thought is it that obvious ? Or does he too read my mails.... I told him that this was my plan indeed, but I've never been able to achieve it because I can't keep my mouth shout, because I'm still hopeful that things get better between us... He told me also that reading his mail it's a violation of property...<img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/092eek.gif" border="0" alt="" width="15" height="15"> I really wonder if he knows... To that i said I only read the one that concerned me... I don't know wether is talking about the mail that I currently read or the one I read when this whole story came up in May....<img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/02exclaim.gif" border="0" alt="" width="15" height="15"> We decided to try again because we love each other, he told me that he still wanna marry me next year, his plans toward haven't changed... so I decided to give it a try... I'm really gonna try to be nice and sweet. I told him that I wanna retrieve my nice, tender and thoughtfull Duane, this is the one that I love and I wanna see him again... That whole experience, all those pains and hurts will be a liner silver if only I don't come across no more mails which could break my heart again... Right now, I'm happy again and hopeful for a better future <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/icon_cheeze.gif" border="0" alt="" width="18" height="18"> <a href="http://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/08/03/let_s_try_again~2749089/#comments">Comments</a> Went back home yesterday feeling very anxious about what was coming....
What is he going to say ?
He cooked diner and we ate, acting as if that day was a regular day !
We watched a movie. The holiday with Jude Law and Cameron Diaz. That was such a nice
and romantic movie.
Then Duane surprised me by going to bed, it must have been 11pm, he never goes to bed
before 1am... I thought that doesn't sound nice !!!
I waited and waited and then I went o bed as well, he was there lying in the bed... I was
pleasantly surprise because we've been sleeping in separate room for few days now...
We talked, he ask me to switch off the light, I was not happy with that, because I wanted to see him lying to me again. So I turn up the lignt a little.
He told me that he's really sad with me, all those constants arguments, me not being able to
trust him, me always wanted to give up on our relationship whenever something happen, me
not fighting for us. He told me that he really pissed him off to talk about the mail story over and
over again. I reminded him that trust takes a long time to build up and that story happened 3
months ago, so it's a bit difficult to just draw a line on it. He blame me for not believing on the
relationship, putting our plan about the wedding aside, getting rid of all our project 2gether...
I was a bit flaggerbastered...
I told him that what I want is to be with him, but I cannot do that if the relationship is doomed
with lies. If he's not honest with me, he will never work between us, things will always get
between us... At that point I wanted to tell him about the mails, so that he understood the
reason why I was acted this way. If he only knew that I know he would understand what I'm
talking about, but he does know and I cannot tell him.

He told me also, that he had the feeling that I was using him to have a baby and then I will
leave him. I laughed, I thought is it that obvious ? Or does he too read my mails....
I told him that this was my plan indeed, but I've never been able to achieve it because I can't
keep my mouth shout, because I'm still hopeful that things get better between us...
He told me also that reading his mail it's a violation of property...

I really wonder if he
knows... To that i said I only read the one that concerned me... I don't know wether is talking
about the mail that I currently read or the one I read when this whole story came up in May....

We decided to try again because we love each other, he told me that he still wanna marry me
next year, his plans toward haven't changed... so I decided to give it a try... I'm really gonna try
to be nice and sweet. I told him that I wanna retrieve my nice, tender and thoughtfull Duane,
this is the one that I love and I wanna see him again...
That whole experience, all those pains and hurts will be a liner silver if only I don't come
across no more mails which could break my heart again...
Right now, I'm happy again and hopeful for a better future

Comments

]]>Is it over ?http://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/08/02/is_it_over~2744931/2007-08-02T17:26:30+02:00 Duane sent me a mail to ask me for lunch. The email was rather cold but I appreciated his first move. We hardly talked since sunday. I met him for lunch and he tried to kiss me on the lips... I was quite reluctant to do so since I find it so hard to pretend that everything is ok... However, I did and we went to lunch. We talked again and he blamed me for not trusting him... I told him that I'd love to see how he would react if he were in my shoe. To that he answer that he would give me the benefice of the doubt... Yeah right ! I said to him that since I do not do to him the fourth of what he makes me bear, if easy to make that kind of statement. I told him, I can act like he does if he wanna, and if this is the kind of relationship he wanna have, I can give it a try but I'm not sure he'll enjoy it. To that he said that he's time for him to find another flat...<img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/grayno.gif" border="0" alt="" width="15" height="15">... See I thouth, he knows damn well he could not tolerate this.... However this is not what I wanted to hear, I was hurt and vexed, I told him, if this is what he wants.... He said no, this is what you want... I said to him, is not me who just said so but you and to that I gave him his ring back ... I couldn't believe, what was happening, I was mortified, and wanted to cry ! I couldn't since my colleagues were few tables away... I tried a last straw, and said, well Duane I don't know if you meant what you said but if you want me to wear the ring, you'll have to say something that will make me wanna wear it ! He said he hasn't got imagination as fertile as mine !?! What one's can thing of that ? That should come to him naturally, all he have to say, pls forgive me, you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with !!! How hard is it to come up with something like that, huh ? When I came back from work, I thought this can't be over !!! I've got to find a way of making him want me in his life, so I soften up a little. Before going to bed alone, I gave him a goodnight kiss on the lips. He came later on to massage my back which was hurting me like crazy ! I thought that was nice of him and I wished he would stay in bed with me, but he left.... I wanted to join him in the other room, but thought what's the point ? let him have some room to think.... I'll see tomorrow if it is really the end <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/graysigh.gif" border="0" alt="" width="15" height="24"> <a href="http://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/08/02/is_it_over~2744931/#comments">Comments</a> Duane sent me a mail to ask me for lunch. The email was rather cold but I appreciated his first move. We hardly talked since sunday.
I met him for lunch and he tried to kiss me on the lips... I was quite reluctant to do so since I find it so hard to pretend that everything is ok... However, I did and we went to lunch.
We talked again and he blamed me for not trusting him... I told him that I'd love to see how he would react if he were in my shoe. To that he answer that he would give me the benefice of the doubt... Yeah right ! I said to him that since I do not do to him the fourth of what he makes me bear, if easy to make that kind of statement. I told him, I can act like he does if he wanna, and if this is the kind of relationship he wanna have, I can give it a try but I'm not sure he'll enjoy it. To that he said that he's time for him to find another flat...

... See I thouth, he knows damn well he could not tolerate this....
However this is not what I wanted to hear, I was hurt and vexed, I told him, if this is what he wants.... He said no, this is what you want... I said to him, is not me who just said so but you and to that I gave him his ring back ...
I couldn't believe, what was happening, I was mortified, and wanted to cry ! I couldn't since my colleagues were few tables away...
I tried a last straw, and said, well Duane I don't know if you meant what you said but if you want me to wear the ring, you'll have to say something that will make me wanna wear it !
He said he hasn't got imagination as fertile as mine !?!
What one's can thing of that ? That should come to him naturally, all he have to say, pls forgive me, you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with !!! How hard is it to come up with something like that, huh ?
When I came back from work, I thought this can't be over !!! I've got to find a way of making him want me in his life, so I soften up a little.
Before going to bed alone, I gave him a goodnight kiss on the lips.
He came later on to massage my back which was hurting me like crazy ! I thought that was nice of him and I wished he would stay in bed with me, but he left....
I wanted to join him in the other room, but thought what's the point ? let him have some room to think....
I'll see tomorrow if it is really the end

Comments

]]>Why can't he come up with the truthhttp://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/08/01/title~2737334/2007-08-01T11:00:44+02:00 Since Monday, Duane and I have been sleeping apart. Monday Morning I woke up, I was upset with him, upset with his constant lies. Although he's still on holiday, he woke up as well and wanted to keep company during the breakfast ritual. I did not say a word to him, I don't have much to say right now, I'm just waiting for him to come clean... So I left the house and wish him a good day, he told me can't he have a goodbye kiss ? I said to him, I don't have the energy to pretend that everything is ok, all I want is you plucking up the courage to tell me what is going on when I come back home tonight... What I told you last time is true, the reason why I didn't tell u is to make you a surprise and you'll see tonight when you get home... I shook my head in disbelief and left... You know when I hear Duane telling me his nonsenses I wonder, if the guy is a mythoman or else he's playing macho with his female friends on the mail.... When I came back from work, I had a nice surprise. He redecorated the house, bought nice and trendy curtains, put the paintings on the walls and stuff. It was really pretty, there was a note saying that I should enjoy this gift because it would probably be the last one <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/13confused.gif" border="0" alt="" width="15" height="15">, don't really like the sound of that.... When he came back, he cooked dinner, I thank him for the dinner and the decoration. We ate in silence... After diner he went to his computer, so I called him. It was more than time to have a proper discussion. He told me again that the reason why he didn't tell me about the holiday was to surprise me with this, and more was to come.... I reminded him that the fact that I would know he was on holiday would have not ruined his surprise... He said that he doesn't really know why he did that... I then asked him why he would do things that would put my trust in danger, he cried out that I never trusted him and left the room <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/092eek.gif" border="0" alt="" width="15" height="15">... That guy would not cease to amaze me... I had shower and went to bed crying... I'm fed up with that guy !!! He's such a looser, he is unable to face difficult situation, he keeps running away, it impossible to have a conversation with him, he flees all the time... Why do I have to be with a guy like that !!! Should I all give it up and start all over again ? I'm scare of that... How long will I be alone, and what about my plans of having a baby ? Shall I throw them away too ? I feel like I'm stuck !!! <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/smiley-cry2.gif" border="0" alt="" width="18" height="18"> <a href="http://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/08/01/title~2737334/#comments">Comments</a> Since Monday, Duane and I have been sleeping apart.
Monday Morning I woke up, I was upset with him, upset with his constant lies.
Although he's still on holiday, he woke up as well and wanted to keep company during the breakfast ritual. I did not say a word to him, I don't have much to say right now, I'm just waiting for him to come clean...
So I left the house and wish him a good day, he told me can't he have a goodbye kiss ? I said to him, I don't have the energy to pretend that everything is ok, all I want is you plucking up the courage to tell me what is going on when I come back home tonight... What I told you last time is true, the reason why I didn't tell u is to make you a surprise and you'll see tonight when you get home... I shook my head in disbelief and left...
You know when I hear Duane telling me his nonsenses I wonder, if the guy is a mythoman or else he's playing macho with his female friends on the mail....
When I came back from work, I had a nice surprise. He redecorated the house, bought nice and trendy curtains, put the paintings on the walls and stuff. It was really pretty, there was a note saying that I should enjoy this gift because it would probably be the last one

, don't really like the sound of that....
When he came back, he cooked dinner, I thank him for the dinner and the decoration.
We ate in silence...
After diner he went to his computer, so I called him. It was more than time to have a proper discussion.
He told me again that the reason why he didn't tell me about the holiday was to surprise me with this, and more was to come.... I reminded him that the fact that I would know he was on holiday would have not ruined his surprise... He said that he doesn't really know why he did that... I then asked him why he would do things that would put my trust in danger, he cried out that I never trusted him and left the room

... That guy would not cease to amaze me...
I had shower and went to bed crying... I'm fed up with that guy !!! He's such a looser, he is unable to face difficult situation, he keeps running away, it impossible to have a conversation with him, he flees all the time... Why do I have to be with a guy like that !!!
Should I all give it up and start all over again ? I'm scare of that... How long will I be alone, and what about my plans of having a baby ? Shall I throw them away too ?
I feel like I'm stuck !!!

Comments

]]>Such a liarhttp://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/07/31/such_a_liar~2734383/2007-07-31T19:48:19+02:00 Things are not getting better, even if I haven't written for a while. Now Duane is taking up holidays without telling me... I don't know what's wrong with the guy... So he was on holiday thirsday and friday and he acted as if he was going to work.... I've known since Monday that he was on holiday... He waited till thursday to tell me that it'll be on holidays and he said from next Monday onwards...<img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="" width="18" height="18"> In the meantime he was writting to his girlfriends to see if they were available to go to cinemas... I think the guy must love lying, because I really don't see why he wouldn't tell me that he was off. Or that he would go to cinema with his girlfriend.... I really don't understand why he feels the need to lie for things like that... Because I was tired of all those lies I decided to make a term to that. I send a mail to his workplace. As I thouht, I received a mail back from his out of assistant. So I send a mail to his personal email address, saying how chocked I was. That I could not understand the reason why he lied. Not knowing that I knew, he called me around 2pm, to ask me around what time I should be back home... I told him around 7pm... I came back home as early as I could, first to check if he was not with somebody in our place... we never known... and also to check his msn.... I read 2 things that I disturbed me.<img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/16cry.gif" border="0" alt="" width="15" height="15"> First a conversation from one of his ex...she just said that she hopes he'll find happiness... what does she mean by that... I found out later that Duane's mum told her mum that she knows and gets on well with that Olivier is getting married !!! She must have been in shocked coz I'm pretty sure that she didn't know about me... I wonder if Duane had an explanation with her because he was kind of trying to get her on. I read a mail last month where she said that she was not ready to consider a relationship with him .... I'm going out with a bastard !!! I wish I could know what he had said to her... The second mail was about a conversation he had with a female friend of his... he was telling her that he couldn't talk to her now coz he needed to masturbate, she said, can't ur girlfriend help you out for this, he said, no too useless !!!! The girl said, that's not really nice for her, then he said, she got her period !!! What I understand, is that Duane doesn't have any respect for me and his happy to trash me with his female friend... So what's the conclusion, he must not love me, otherwise he could not say things like that, could he ? So you could imagine how sad and upset I felt when I read this... Then I checked his computer and I found out his watching pornografic video, which doesn't bother me, except that those videos were about asian girls with no ass... Is that all he can fantasise about, is that what make him wanna masturbate !!! How sad ! So I waited patiently that he came back, when he did, I asked him how was work, I could see he could not answer and I wondered why, coz he's been allright to lied to me the day before... In fact he went back to work so he found out about the mail I sent... He was quite ill at ease, so he did the washing up, then went to his computer to calm his nerves I suppose, then he finally plucked up the courage to confront me. .. In the meanwhile I was in shock by his attitude, the guy is lying blatlanly to me, he knows that I know, and instead of talking to me tryintg to explain, and make himself forgiven for what he did, he did the wahing up and did God knows what on his computer. Duane is not a man, he is a coward... What do I do with such a guy ? Can't I find anybetter, don't I deserve any better ? I cried and cried and felt sorry for myself ! So he told me that he was actually working fr home and so he didn t tell me, since he is not really on holiday The guy must thing that I'm nutt I said come on, don't take me for what I'm not, he said that's true, I worked from home and then I went shoping and I didn't wanna tell you because I knew you'd be worry because I was riding the motorbike all day long... I tried to make him understand that he could't tell me this kind of rubish, and that he's not even credible...He said, yes, this is true... i was disgustted by him, he's not even honest... He shows a flash of honesty though when he said that he doesn't really know why he did that, there wasn't any logical explanation for his attitude, he just wanted 2 days for himself,,,, And I guess that is why... The way he thinks is that from next week on, he is on holiday but he'll have to do administrative stuff and look about stuff for us... so he wanted to separate those 2 days from the rest of the holidays, and maybe that he's why he didn't tell me.... You know what annoy me the most, is not that he didn't tell me, since I know he hasn't done any thing that would break my heart, it's the attitude, the fact that he enjoys and feels no remorse at lying even when he's been discovered... He can look you in the eye and lie, lie to save his ass, such a bastard, no bollocks whatsoever... That guy doesn't deserve half of me !!! Unfortunately for me I'm still not pregnant... and I still love him... But I wonder if the love that I'm feeling is not slowly fading away... <a href="http://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/07/31/such_a_liar~2734383/#comments">Comments</a> Things are not getting better, even if I haven't written for a while.
Now Duane is taking up holidays without telling me... I don't know what's wrong with the guy...
So he was on holiday thirsday and friday and he acted as if he was going to work....
I've known since Monday that he was on holiday... He waited till thursday to tell me that it'll be on holidays and he said from next Monday onwards...

In the meantime he was writting to his girlfriends to see if they were available to go to cinemas... I think the guy must love lying, because I really don't see why he wouldn't tell me that he was off. Or that he would go to cinema with his girlfriend.... I really don't understand why he feels the need to lie for things like that...
Because I was tired of all those lies I decided to make a term to that. I send a mail to his workplace. As I thouht, I received a mail back from his out of assistant. So I send a mail to his personal email address, saying how chocked I was. That I could not understand the reason why he lied.
Not knowing that I knew, he called me around 2pm, to ask me around what time I should be back home... I told him around 7pm... I came back home as early as I could, first to check if he was not with somebody in our place... we never known... and also to check his msn....
I read 2 things that I disturbed me.

First a conversation from one of his ex...she just said that she hopes he'll find happiness... what does she mean by that... I found out later that Duane's mum told her mum that she knows and gets on well with that Olivier is getting married !!! She must have been in shocked coz I'm pretty sure that she didn't know about me... I wonder if Duane had an explanation with her because he was kind of trying to get her on. I read a mail last month where she said that she was not ready to consider a relationship with him .... I'm going out with a bastard !!! I wish I could know what he had said to her...
The second mail was about a conversation he had with a female friend of his... he was telling her that he couldn't talk to her now coz he needed to masturbate, she said, can't ur girlfriend help you out for this, he said, no too useless !!!! The girl said, that's not really nice for her, then he said, she got her period !!!
What I understand, is that Duane doesn't have any respect for me and his happy to trash me with his female friend... So what's the conclusion, he must not love me, otherwise he could not say things like that, could he ?

So you could imagine how sad and upset I felt when I read this... Then I checked his computer and I found out his watching pornografic video, which doesn't bother me, except that those videos were about asian girls with no ass... Is that all he can fantasise about, is that what make him wanna masturbate !!! How sad !
So I waited patiently that he came back, when he did, I asked him how was work, I could see he could not answer and I wondered why, coz he's been allright to lied to me the day before... In fact he went back to work so he found out about the mail I sent...
He was quite ill at ease, so he did the washing up, then went to his computer to calm his nerves I suppose, then he finally plucked up the courage to confront me. ..
In the meanwhile I was in shock by his attitude, the guy is lying blatlanly to me, he knows that I know, and instead of talking to me tryintg to explain, and make himself forgiven for what he did, he did the wahing up and did God knows what on his computer. Duane is not a man, he is a coward... What do I do with such a guy ? Can't I find anybetter, don't I deserve any better ?
I cried and cried and felt sorry for myself !
So he told me that he was actually working fr home and so he didn t tell me, since he is not really on holiday The guy must thing that I'm nutt
I said come on, don't take me for what I'm not, he said that's true, I worked from home and then I went shoping and I didn't wanna tell you because I knew you'd be worry because I was riding the motorbike all day long...
I tried to make him understand that he could't tell me this kind of rubish, and that he's not even credible...He said, yes, this is true... i was disgustted by him, he's not even honest...
He shows a flash of honesty though when he said that he doesn't really know why he did that, there wasn't any logical explanation for his attitude, he just wanted 2 days for himself,,,,
And I guess that is why... The way he thinks is that from next week on, he is on holiday but he'll have to do administrative stuff and look about stuff for us... so he wanted to separate those 2 days from the rest of the holidays, and maybe that he's why he didn't tell me....
You know what annoy me the most, is not that he didn't tell me, since I know he hasn't done any thing that would break my heart, it's the attitude, the fact that he enjoys and feels no remorse at lying even when he's been discovered... He can look you in the eye and lie, lie to save his ass, such a bastard, no bollocks whatsoever... That guy doesn't deserve half of me !!!
Unfortunately for me I'm still not pregnant... and I still love him... But I wonder if the love that I'm feeling is not slowly fading away...

Comments

]]>Is it getting better ?http://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/06/24/is_it_getting_better~2509263/2007-06-24T11:11:42+02:00 It has been a while but I feel much better about my love life. I wouldn't say that all is well, but my doubts are not worsering. I start to thing that all Duane is doing it's talking to those girls.... I think he wants to feel loved so he 's trying to get it wherever he can. I think that he's trying to get the others girls hopes up in order to get his highs. He makes him feel good to chat with this girl and maintening that virtual relationship. I have to make sure it remains virtual. Duane acts like that because he doesn't get enough love from me.... The sad thing is that I love him to death but I'm not good at showing him... I can see that he is tense and thoughtfull but I don't know how to relax him and make him feel at home... That's so sad. I think that I'm gonna see a shrink, I have issues that need to be adressed. I came across few mails from his exes complaining about misunderstanding... That leds me to believe, because Duane can't give them what he is suggering in the mails, he has to back off all the time, hence all the misunderstandings... All in the mouth, huh ? Well I hope that he will never get further.... <a href="http://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/06/24/is_it_getting_better~2509263/#comments">Comments</a> It has been a while but I feel much better about my love life.
I wouldn't say that all is well, but my doubts are not worsering.
I start to thing that all Duane is doing it's talking to those girls....
I think he wants to feel loved so he 's trying to get it wherever he can. I think that he's trying to get the others girls hopes up in order to get his highs. He makes him feel good to chat with this girl and maintening that virtual relationship.
I have to make sure it remains virtual.
Duane acts like that because he doesn't get enough love from me....
The sad thing is that I love him to death but I'm not good at showing him...
I can see that he is tense and thoughtfull but I don't know how to relax him and make him feel at home...
That's so sad.
I think that I'm gonna see a shrink, I have issues that need to be adressed.
I came across few mails from his exes complaining about misunderstanding... That leds me to believe, because Duane can't give them what he is suggering in the mails, he has to back off all the time, hence all the misunderstandings...
All in the mouth, huh ?
Well I hope that he will never get further....

Comments

]]>How Bizarrehttp://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/06/10/how_bizarre~2426144/2007-06-10T11:32:26+02:00 I feel a bit better, now that I've taken up this blog. Yesterday I went clubbing with my sister. We had a helluva time <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/060lol.gif" border="0" alt="" width="15" height="15">. Spent the whole night shaking and shaking my booty. Guess I had a lot of pressure to release... He did me good, I didn't score though <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/13confused.gif" border="0" alt="" width="15" height="15">... I was hoping to get few numbers, that would have done my ego tremendous good... Oh well, I had a lot admirative looks, it compensates a little <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/smiley-kiss.gif" border="0" alt="" width="18" height="18">... Men nowdays are so passive, they're waiting for women to make the first move or giving them clear and distinctive signs of their interests... I checked Duane's mails, he hasn't been writting anything at all... It's really bizarre, he could have taken the opportunity of being away (out of my sight) to get in contact again with his virtual lovers. He didn't... I wonder why ? Would it be because to him it's an exclusive week days activity ? I'd love it to be for that reason, because it would tend to corroborate the theory of this being just entertainment to him. This is just to put some spice in his boring work life... He's coming back tonight... I wonder how things will be between us... I've bandaged some of my wounds from this week. I should be able to welcome him properly. I still feel a tension inside of me anytime I think of what I learnt those days... But until I decide to leave that relationship I have to put this aside... Let you know tomorrow what happened... <a href="http://cherylane.blog.co.uk/2007/06/10/how_bizarre~2426144/#comments">Comments</a> I feel a bit better, now that I've taken up this blog.
Yesterday I went clubbing with my sister. We had a helluva time

. Spent the whole night shaking and shaking my booty. Guess I had a lot of pressure to release... He did me good, I didn't score though

... I was hoping to get few numbers, that would have done my ego tremendous good... Oh well, I had a lot admirative looks, it compensates a little

... Men nowdays are so passive, they're waiting for women to make the first move or giving them clear and distinctive signs of their interests...
I checked Duane's mails, he hasn't been writting anything at all... It's really bizarre, he could have taken the opportunity of being away (out of my sight) to get in contact again with his virtual lovers. He didn't... I wonder why ? Would it be because to him it's an exclusive week days activity ?
I'd love it to be for that reason, because it would tend to corroborate the theory of this being just entertainment to him. This is just to put some spice in his boring work life...
He's coming back tonight... I wonder how things will be between us... I've bandaged some of my wounds from this week. I should be able to welcome him properly. I still feel a tension inside of me anytime I think of what I learnt those days... But until I decide to leave that relationship I have to put this aside...
Let you know tomorrow what happened...

Comments

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